Literal Albatross: Doug Driesel Jr. Talks a Lot

From April 27th, 2012. 

Not Cool, You Guys

Ha ha. Very funny you guys. Yeah, “let’s all stand up Doug. He doesn’t have anything better to do than wait for us.” That’s SOOOOO funny.

What do you mean, “What am I talking about?” Last night? The last particles of what was once Thursday had been Hadron collided with the silky, smooth particles of Thursday night. And there I was, waiting in my inbox for you, but you never showed! I had all of my bizarre pop culture references, a trunk full of plays on spelling and grammar and I even left the optional Oxford comma at home.

We’ve been doing this every Thursday for months, now. I’d think you’d have the rhythms down.

What’s that? We usually meet in your inbox? Of COURSE! That’s why everything felt off to me. Our inboxes look almost EXACTLY the same. I see that you also hope to a large penis or breasts. The fact that this piece of spam mail gives you the choice fills my hearts with glee! Equal opportunity sex medicines! We live in the future!

What am I doing? I can’t fool you. You are too smart and good looking. All of this was a rouse to keep you from knowing that I just forgot to send out this stupid thing last night. So, my apologies to you.

And DOUBLE apologies to all of you who are using this as your first experience. This is NOT how these stupid things usually go. Usually, I parachute in from the heavens with a broomstick in my hand and a gnashing of my teeth. I scream at you, “Do you know what this broomstick is for!?!?” I’m waiving the broomstick in the air at this point. “Well, neither do I!” Then I launch the broomstick at your big screen TV. But I throw like a girl, so it hits the ground not a few feet from my feet and everyone just has themselves the biggest laugh they’ve ever had.

That happens, every week, at the beginning of these stupid things. I guess we’ve all learned a lesson here. And that lesson is to not procrastinate joining a weekly written thing, least it turns out to be something super awesome at the beginning of every one of them.

And now for our second lesson, take out your law books and turn to page three. We’re going to learn about Plessy v. Ferguson. John Plessy, this guy I know, versus the guy who played ‘Ferguson’ on “Clarissa Explains it All.”

As we all know, this argument led to the infamous ruling of “The Guy Who Played ‘Ferguson’ is Kind of a Jerk,” and the subsequent decision of “Let’s Go Egg His House.” But, did it also free up trade to China in the seventies?

Anyone? Anyone? Matthew Broderick reference?

The answer is, “No, of course not. Nixon did that.” So, thank you, Nixon. Thank you for my iPhone. And thank you for child slavery in China which they’d still have, just not in a form that makes me feel bad. Thanks a lot, Richard Milhouse Nixon. I ALMOST FORGOT! We have him to thank for Milhouse on “The Simpsons.” YOU DISGUST ME, SIR! Go back to hell, I’m done yelling at you!

Guys, don’t you think it was weird how after a few sentences, Nixon just materialized in the corner so that I could yell at him? I don’t. It seems fitting for the denizens of hell to materialize on Earth to be yelled at. I call forth Joe DiMaggio,  Bob Crane and Fatty Arbuckle.

Oh, hey, guys. Nice of you to materialize in this person’s inbox so that I can yell at you. Would you like some tea? No, you just want to get right to it? Okay.

You guys are the worst. I mean, come on, guys.

Okay. Back to Hell with you.

We probably shouldn’t taunt the dead like that.  What’s wrong with you guys!?  Let’s just get to plugging stuff.  On Monday, I’ll be bringing the funny to Whittier, California in the always challenging “Bowser’s Castle.”  So that’ll be a lot of fun?  Emphasis on the interrogative point. 

I uploaded webisodes two and three of Clan of the Red Wolf.  Doing voice recordings for the second season, and will have some Ted the Archer’s Science Corner Starring Ted the Archers up soon to pass the time.  Fun!

And don’t forget to check out Canada Action News for all the latest in Canuck info.

We really do have quite similar inboxes.